Ten years ago, we were living in Texas and had moved into a great neighborhood. Cory, my husband, was doing youth ministry at a local church, a job he really loved. Every morning I would work out at a nearby gym, trying to reach my life dream of running in a 5K race. Life was moving at a face pace which was normal for us, until one day I hit a wall, so to speak. My legs began to grow heavy and tingly and turn numb, so I stopped and rested as I do when "MS" sneaks up on me. My husband was always great at insisting I rest when I needed too. But this time it didn't get better with rest. It quickly crawled up to my chest, many call it the "MS Hug" and left me unable to walk for over one month. I was pretty much helpless and laid in bed and slept most of the time.
Our daughter, Lexa. was only 5 at the time and had never really experienced my not being involved daily in her life, especially for such a long period of time. One of the blessings that directly affected Lexa was her kindergarten school teacher, Mrs. Anders. She was helping raise her grandson while taking care of her daughter due to the daughter being very ill with MS. Mrs. Anders completely understood our situation and was very willing to give Lexa that extra time and attention that she needed. God definitely placed her in our life at that particular time for a very specific reason, I fully believe this.
Lexa was very loving and understandable with me in the beginning, but after a few weeks she was ready for it to be over and for life to be "back to normal". We would play games on my bed, or read books or do homework whenever I felt up to it. She just wasn't able to understand nor was she able to express what she was feeling and it would often come across as lashing out at me. Although I understood, it was still difficult for me to not be able to help her during this time. Fortunately, Cory had a job that he was able to come and pick Lexa up most days after school and she would go and hang out with him at the church building, her second home. She really enjoyed that. We also had a great friend who had twins around her age that lived around the corner. She was gracious enough to pick Lexa up several times a week and take her to her house until Cory could pick her up. This too helped to keep Lexa busy until I was well enough to get back to my usual routine.
I just have to say that this was a very difficult time in my life as a mom. It really stinks to have such issues with my MS when it directly affects my child so much, much less my husband's life. I have had other times of being down and out but never for such a long period of time. Even today, if I have to miss out on going somewhere or doing something with my family due to my MS, it just really eats me alive. I don't want my daughter's memories to be of me being sick and missing out on doing something, or heaven forbid, it preventing her from doing something. It truly makes me cringe when that happens. I can't stand the words, "we can't because your mother / or my mother is sick". I know it is a part of life but it hurts living with that fact. Because it is part of our lives, I do my best to make sure that when I do feel good, I make the most of it. I have to admit, that I have bought my daughter more things and have done more things for her because of my guilt. This is something that I have struggled with and have even discussed this with my daughter. It is always a work in progress.
I share this because I know that other people feel the same way that I do. I want you to know that you are not alone and I feel your pain. Please don't give up because you have so much to offer your children whether you realize it or not. I know that Lexa appreciates the time I do get to spend with her and we do have many good memories.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Weeks after juicing
Other than just getting over bronchitis, I feel so much better after our juicing experience. I TRY to juice at least once if not twice daily. I am not always great at getting that done but I will continue to try. I am, however, choosing to eat better over all. The times we have gone out to eat, I have chosen a salad or even a small sandwich and no fries or chips mainly because I am just not as hungry any more. I eat wheat bread when I do eat bread. At this time I am not strictly on Dr Swanks MS diet but I am well on my way to eating right. I drank a small Dr. Pepper one day which has always been my down fall, but after I drank it, I was up until 3 in the morning. It was so not worth that and I finally realized it. I have taken another sip, ok, I am hard headed, since then, but I put it down immediately. It wasn't that same great taste I remembered. If you knew me, you would know that this was and still is somewhat a big shock for me. I don't know if my tastes have changed due to the juicing or my just really wanting to stay focused on eating/drinking better, or possibly the combination of both. I guess it doesn't really matter but it is nice to know it doesn't control me any more. My husband and I have cooked more together, which I really enjoy, and cooked healthier meals with fresh ingredients. I have used the juicer for many of our recipes now. It is not always feasible for us every day, but again, we will do our best. When I make mistakes, I will no longer just stop doing what needs to be done and give up on myself. I am learning to just try again. I am an all or nothing kind of person and when I am in, I want to do it right. Not always necessarily a good thing because things aren't always going to turn out perfect.
Friday, February 3, 2012
MS Diagnosis
I was 20 years old when I had my first "symptom" in my life that made me have to stop and take notice. I was living in Dallas, TX, and was going to school to become a paralegal and I was having to learn shorthand and typing skills to help aid in this. I woke up one Sunday morning and my fingertips on my right hand were all tingling like they were asleep. I didn't think anything about this at first because I have had different parts of my body "go to sleep" from time to time. But, it didn't go away like the times before. By the time I got to church it had crawled down my fingers and then by the time church was over, my entire hand was "asleep", or so I called it at that time. I was sitting and visiting with my friend who was going to school to become a nurse. She just happened to be studying about multiple sclerosis and just mentioned right before church something about, "that's can happen to people have MS". Who'd a thunk that almost a year later that friend would be correct with her innocent comment????
The sleeping or tingling feeling eventually crawled all the way to my shoulder and in a matter of a day, turned numb and I had no control of my arm at that point. With my being right handed, I was no longer able to write or type. I went to a doctor in the Dallas area, by myself, five hours away from any family. By the end of the visit, he was describing in detail to an intern who was observing our appointment, that many times people who do drugs pass out on their arm and it could cause this. As naive as I was at that time, I didn't catch until later that day that he was basically calling me a drugee. I was crushed! What also never dawned on me was that where I was going to college a year before, I would go and donate plasma for money, sometimes as often as twice a week. Parents weren't too excited about that one. Anyway, I had one little scar on the inside of each of my arms where they would draw the blood from each time. I even had a donor card with me. He never asked me about it, just assumed, and I never thought to say anything either. Needless to say, I didn't go back to him. My parents made an appointment for me back home, so off I went to San Angelo where the doctors were unable to figure out what was the cause. I had MRI's and other tests but eventually they just labeled it carpel tunnel because they didn't know what to call it. I went back to school and after about a month my arm was back to normal.
The day after Thanksgiving, six months later, I woke up with "fuzzy" vision in my left eye. I was driving from Austin back to San Angelo on a two lane highway and my oldest brother was jokingly razzing me about not passing the slow pokes in front of me. Although I had mentioned my vision when I first woke up, I hadn't said anything again until this point. I told him that I couldn't really see well enough to feel comfortable about passing someone. He said, "Well, goofball, pull over and let me drive". By the time we got home my eye seemed to worsen a little and I told my folks. I went to bed and woke up the next morning and that one eye was completely blind. My parents called my eye doctor and he met us up at his office even though it was Thanksgiving weekend. My dad went with me and in the conversation with the doctor he mentioned something about MS. The doctor said he was thinking that but didn't want to say anything because he was just not sure. The fact that my dad brought it up, it was then talked about more.
My dad filled the doctor in on the fact that over the past few months, my biological mother had contacted me to let me know why she put me up for adoption, right after I was born, was due to the fact that she has MS. I really didn't know much about MS so it never crossed my mind that my vision could have had anything to do with it. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, my parents were beginning to put pieces of the puzzle together.
My left eye was solid blackness for a week but VERY slowly the vision began to come back from the outside first, then to the middle. Almost exactly one month later, a few days after Christmas, I woke up and I was blind in my right eye this time and with no warning. It lasted about as long as the left eye. I wasn't seeing well at all at this point because my vision was still not completely back in my left eye when this occurred in my right eye.
I flew back to Dallas where friends picked me up and a few days later I went to another doctor who then put me in the hospital for further testing for a week, over New Year's. My parents came and took turns staying with me during my stay. Long story short, absolutely NO test results confirmed my having MS. I did more MRI's (no lesions), bone-scan, blood work galore and even a spinal tap which I would NEVER do again. I still have lower back issues 20 years later due to them dragging the needle and striking a nerve. Just not a good experience for me.
Over the next few months, from my waste down went all tingly and caused me to slow down but never went completely numb at this time. Then some time later I went blind, yet again, after what we guessed was due to the strenuous work out I got after rock climbing with my oldest brother and his wife. This time my vision was damaged somewhat. In my right eye, it is as though the lights are always dim. I can see though and in color, even though it is skewed a tad. Just very blessed to still have vision. I missed a lot of work yet my boss never fired me. I think it was because his daughter had just gone off to college and he had a soft spot for me because of her. BUT, he did call my dad and told him what was going on and my parents decided to move me back to San Angelo with them.
Right before I moved back home, my mom went to a concert to hear a pianist, Yanni, who shared with everyone the news that his daughter, who has MS, had just had a baby. After the concert, my mom went to ask him about his daughter and he pulled her aside and told her about Dr. Swank in Portland, OR. My parents immediately started researching about Dr. Swank and called to make an appointment. The waiting list took months usually, but fortunately for me, someone had just cancelled and he gave me their slot. The appointment was just weeks after my moving home. My mothers co-workers were gracious and loving enough to come up with airfare for both my dad and I. I still tear up thinking about how unselfish they were to have done this for us.
We spent the entire day with Dr Swank and his nurse, Barbara Dugan. After we had given him ALL the my medical history from the past year, he did his own testing and I as diagnosed with MS. I started his protocol of vitamins & most importantly the MS Diet he and Barbara came up with. Barbara was also a nutritionist. This was when my MS story began.
The sleeping or tingling feeling eventually crawled all the way to my shoulder and in a matter of a day, turned numb and I had no control of my arm at that point. With my being right handed, I was no longer able to write or type. I went to a doctor in the Dallas area, by myself, five hours away from any family. By the end of the visit, he was describing in detail to an intern who was observing our appointment, that many times people who do drugs pass out on their arm and it could cause this. As naive as I was at that time, I didn't catch until later that day that he was basically calling me a drugee. I was crushed! What also never dawned on me was that where I was going to college a year before, I would go and donate plasma for money, sometimes as often as twice a week. Parents weren't too excited about that one. Anyway, I had one little scar on the inside of each of my arms where they would draw the blood from each time. I even had a donor card with me. He never asked me about it, just assumed, and I never thought to say anything either. Needless to say, I didn't go back to him. My parents made an appointment for me back home, so off I went to San Angelo where the doctors were unable to figure out what was the cause. I had MRI's and other tests but eventually they just labeled it carpel tunnel because they didn't know what to call it. I went back to school and after about a month my arm was back to normal.
The day after Thanksgiving, six months later, I woke up with "fuzzy" vision in my left eye. I was driving from Austin back to San Angelo on a two lane highway and my oldest brother was jokingly razzing me about not passing the slow pokes in front of me. Although I had mentioned my vision when I first woke up, I hadn't said anything again until this point. I told him that I couldn't really see well enough to feel comfortable about passing someone. He said, "Well, goofball, pull over and let me drive". By the time we got home my eye seemed to worsen a little and I told my folks. I went to bed and woke up the next morning and that one eye was completely blind. My parents called my eye doctor and he met us up at his office even though it was Thanksgiving weekend. My dad went with me and in the conversation with the doctor he mentioned something about MS. The doctor said he was thinking that but didn't want to say anything because he was just not sure. The fact that my dad brought it up, it was then talked about more.
My dad filled the doctor in on the fact that over the past few months, my biological mother had contacted me to let me know why she put me up for adoption, right after I was born, was due to the fact that she has MS. I really didn't know much about MS so it never crossed my mind that my vision could have had anything to do with it. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, my parents were beginning to put pieces of the puzzle together.
My left eye was solid blackness for a week but VERY slowly the vision began to come back from the outside first, then to the middle. Almost exactly one month later, a few days after Christmas, I woke up and I was blind in my right eye this time and with no warning. It lasted about as long as the left eye. I wasn't seeing well at all at this point because my vision was still not completely back in my left eye when this occurred in my right eye.
I flew back to Dallas where friends picked me up and a few days later I went to another doctor who then put me in the hospital for further testing for a week, over New Year's. My parents came and took turns staying with me during my stay. Long story short, absolutely NO test results confirmed my having MS. I did more MRI's (no lesions), bone-scan, blood work galore and even a spinal tap which I would NEVER do again. I still have lower back issues 20 years later due to them dragging the needle and striking a nerve. Just not a good experience for me.
Over the next few months, from my waste down went all tingly and caused me to slow down but never went completely numb at this time. Then some time later I went blind, yet again, after what we guessed was due to the strenuous work out I got after rock climbing with my oldest brother and his wife. This time my vision was damaged somewhat. In my right eye, it is as though the lights are always dim. I can see though and in color, even though it is skewed a tad. Just very blessed to still have vision. I missed a lot of work yet my boss never fired me. I think it was because his daughter had just gone off to college and he had a soft spot for me because of her. BUT, he did call my dad and told him what was going on and my parents decided to move me back to San Angelo with them.
Right before I moved back home, my mom went to a concert to hear a pianist, Yanni, who shared with everyone the news that his daughter, who has MS, had just had a baby. After the concert, my mom went to ask him about his daughter and he pulled her aside and told her about Dr. Swank in Portland, OR. My parents immediately started researching about Dr. Swank and called to make an appointment. The waiting list took months usually, but fortunately for me, someone had just cancelled and he gave me their slot. The appointment was just weeks after my moving home. My mothers co-workers were gracious and loving enough to come up with airfare for both my dad and I. I still tear up thinking about how unselfish they were to have done this for us.
We spent the entire day with Dr Swank and his nurse, Barbara Dugan. After we had given him ALL the my medical history from the past year, he did his own testing and I as diagnosed with MS. I started his protocol of vitamins & most importantly the MS Diet he and Barbara came up with. Barbara was also a nutritionist. This was when my MS story began.
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