Sad truth, MS does affect my kid but...

Ten years ago, we were living in Texas and had moved into a great neighborhood.  Cory, my husband, was doing youth ministry at a local church, a job he really loved.  Every morning I would work out at a nearby gym, trying to reach my life dream of running in a 5K race.  Life was moving at a face pace which was normal for us, until one day I hit a wall, so to speak.  My legs began to grow heavy and tingly and turn numb, so I stopped and rested as I do when "MS" sneaks up on me.  My husband was always great at insisting I rest when I needed too.  But this time it didn't get better with rest.  It quickly crawled up to my chest, many call it the "MS Hug" and left me unable to walk for over one month.  I was pretty much helpless and laid in bed and slept most of the time.     

Our daughter, Lexa. was only 5 at the time and had never really experienced my not being involved daily in her life, especially for such a long period of time.  One of the blessings that directly affected Lexa was her kindergarten school teacher, Mrs. Anders.  She was helping raise her grandson while taking care of her daughter due to the daughter being very ill with MS.  Mrs. Anders completely understood our situation and was very willing to give Lexa that extra time and attention that she needed. God definitely placed her in our life at that particular time for a very specific reason, I fully believe this. 

Lexa was very loving and understandable with me in the beginning, but after a few weeks she was ready for it to be over and for life to be "back to normal".  We would play games on my bed, or read books or do homework whenever I felt up to it.  She just wasn't able to understand nor was she able to express what she was feeling and it would often come across as lashing out at me.  Although I understood, it was still difficult for me to not be able to help her during this time.  Fortunately, Cory had a job that he was able to come and pick Lexa up most days after school and she would go and hang out with him at the church building, her second home.  She really enjoyed that.  We also had a great friend who had twins around her age that lived around the corner.  She was gracious enough to pick Lexa up several times a week and take her to her house until Cory could pick her up.  This too helped to keep Lexa busy until I was well enough to get back to my usual routine.

I just have to say that this was a very difficult time in my life as a mom.  It really stinks to have such issues with my MS when it directly affects my child so much, much less my husband's life.  I have had other times of being down and out but never for such a long period of time.  Even today, if I have to miss out on going somewhere or doing something with my family due to my MS, it just really eats me alive.  I don't want my daughter's memories to be of me being sick and missing out on doing something, or heaven forbid, it preventing her from doing something.  It truly makes me cringe when that happens. I can't stand the words, "we can't because your mother / or my mother is sick".  I know it is a part of life but it hurts living with that fact. Because it is part of our lives,  I do my best to make sure that when I do feel good, I make the most of it.  I have to admit, that I have bought my daughter more things and have done more things for her because of my guilt.  This is something that I have struggled with and have even discussed this with my daughter.  It is always a work in progress. 

I share this because I know that other people feel the same way that I do.  I want you to know that you are not alone and I feel your pain.  Please don't give up because you have so much to offer your children whether you realize it or not.  I know that Lexa appreciates the time I do get to spend with her and we do have many good memories.